I always wanted to be a mother. Granted, I wasn’t expecting it to happen as early in my life as it did, but I knew from the beginning I was going to be a great mom. My kids are my number 1 priority. They always have been. There isn’t anything I would not do for my kids. I mean, those are little pieces of me running around, how could I not put their needs first. I had the privelage of being a SAHM for a few years. As stressed out as I was at time; as much as I said I would rather have adult interactions all day instead of listening to freaking Elmo or that little butthead Caillou all day, I was extremely grateful to be able to stay home with my boys; and I knew this.
Since I have been a working mom, I have come to miss being a SAHM. Especially when things come up like doctor appointments, dentist appointments, kids getting sick, me getting sick, etc. Now I struggle with having to schedule those things around work, then having the unexpected happen and dealing with having to miss work. Now do not get my wrong, my kids needs come first and they always will, but that still does not mean that the guilt is not present when I have to miss work. But here is my dilemma…I should not feel guilty for taking care of my kids. I work my ass off at work; and I do a really good. Yes, I get it, I am paid to work, and again I do work, I earn every penny I make.
Now I know there are people that take advantage of situations, but I am not one of those people. And yes, I am fortunate enough to work for people who are pretty understanding about this sort of thing. But that doesn’t mean that there still aren’t words said or tones used that make me feel like I am doing something wrong. I know other parents know what I am talking about. You get awoken in the middle of the night (in my case this usually happens on Sundays) to a cough or a cry. You go in to your kids room half asleep bumping into door jams and tripping over transformers and shit, to come to their bedside to see what is the matter. That is when you lean down and press your lips against their forehead and feel the heat radiating off of them. Then suddenly you are wide awake because you start thinking, “is it the flu?” “Shit, 101.2 fever, well no school for them tomorrow and crap that means I have to call in.” “I have to keep you (your sick child) away from everyone else so no one else gets whatever this is” “Shit, what if I get this? I will have to drag my sick, achy, snotty nose ass to work still”. Then you have to make the dreaded phone call that you will not be in to work today because your child is sick.
Now a lot of people have help, or are able to work from home. I am not one of those people. Plus, if my kid is sick and running a fever, I am not going to ask someone else to watch them. I know how it feels when you are a kid and you are sick, you want to be home in your bed, and most kids…want their moms. I get anxiety when I have to call in for work. I am constantly worrying if it is real busy, how many emails am I going to come back to, are they mad I wasn’t able to come in. These thoughts just run through my head over, and over, and over again all day long. The anxiety builds up, then the next thing I know I am having a panic attack.
The same thing happens when there are appointments that you need to go to. Let’s use my family as an example. I have two kids, so that means there are two well-visit appointments a year I have to go to. Then if they get sick to where you know that over the counter meds are going to work and they need something stronger. Then you have the dentist, so that is two appointments twice a year you have to do. Now there is you…being a woman we have are well-woman exams every year we have to do, then we also have to go to the dentist, and of course my family is on an insurance plan that none of the doctors in our area see patients on Saturday. Then if you have to have work done at the dentist, or have to go back for more testing or whatever at the doctors office, there are more appointments. And lord help you if you have other issues where you have to see multiple doctors. Like me, I have a psychiatrist I have to see every 6-9 months to get my medicine, my lady doctor, primary care doctor who I have to see atleast once a year to have my thyroid levels checked and the dentist. And I get tired of having to schedule all this crap on a vacation day. It is exhausting!! A vacation day, I want to use doing something or relaxing.
It is bad enough I have to worry about scheduling all this crap, I just really hate that I have to worry about my job in the midst of it all. These are definitely the times when I miss being a stay at home mom the most. Not having to worry about when I could schedule the appointment, or what the hell we were going to do if the kids got sick.
But of course, most of all, I miss my kids. I know that if I were to go back to being a SAHM (which is a goal for me by the way), that I wouldn’t be with my kids all day since they are now in school. But that is one of the reasons I want to do it now. I could still take them to school in the morning, then be able to do all my errands, house work, and school work while they were at school. I would be able to either pick them up from school everyday or get them off the bus, and then do homework and start getting dinner ready without feeling like I am rushed. Without feeling like I have just a little bit of time to do all 500 things on my to-do list. I would be able to sign them up for extra curricular activities because I wouldn’t have to worry how they were going to get there. I would be home, I would be a constant. They would know I was always there and when they got home, because I had all day to do everything else that needed to be done, my attention would be 100% devoted to them. Oh and I would be able to go have lunch with them all the time, and be able to go to all their school functions.
I just truly miss being at home with my kids. And the stress of working and juggling family is actually getting harder, not easier like you would think it would. My kids aren’t going to be little forever. The time has already flown by up to this point, and it is only going to continue to feel like it’s going faster.
Pretty soon though, they will be teenagers and I won’t have to stay home with them when they are sick. Then once they start driving, I wont have to go with them to every appointment. But I still have at least 6 years before any of that starts happening. So for now, I will continue to juggle. I just have to find a way to not get this feeling whenever these things do come up.