It was just a bad day!! :)

When you have lived with depression for as long as I have you go through “happy phases”, atleast in my life this is what it always felt like. I felt like I had more bad days than good; and by bad days I mean I was just….there, going through the motions, for the most part. So when I would be in a “happy phase” I was constantly wondering “will tomorrow be the day I wake up and this happiness will be gone?” But then i would try not to worry too much because I did not want to do anything to speed up the inevitable that I just knew was coming.

I had that day on Sunday. But I didn’t wake up that way, it was a slow process that built up as the day went on. Then that night I just broke down. And I couldn’t help but think…did I just fall off of cloud 9?  See, for the past 2-3 months I had been happier than I can ever remember being. Ever. And it just came naturally, I wasnt having to make a concious effort to be happy or in a good mood. So I was freaking out at the thought that the past 2 months had just been a “happy phase” and I was racking my brain trying to figure out how to get it back. I didn’t want to go back to just being…there. I wanted to continue to live like I had been living! To enjoying life like I had finally been able to do.

I sat and cried to my hubby about so many things, so many things that were bothering me and things that I didn’t even know where bothering me. That poor sweet man was trying so hard to make me feel better but it just wasn’t happening. In my head I just knew that the happiness was over and I had to begin my journey of finding it again.

But then today I woke up and felt… normal; I felt like myself. The self that I had been for the past 2 months. I woke up smiling! I literally sat up in bed, took a deep breath and smiled as I exhaled. So i have come to the conclusion that PMS is a bitch lol (yes I do believe this was all due to hormones getting ready for upcoming shark week). Now why they fluctuated so bad this month i have no idea lol. But it also made me realize that I am going to have off days, but that doesn’t mean that my happiness is just a “phase”. Which brings a big ol’cheesy smile to this pretty face!

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Fitness saved me

Lets just go ahead and put this out there…when I was a teenager I was a very chunky little lady.  At 5’2, I believe my heaviest weight was 160-170ish and there was no muscle anywhere in that. Growing up I always had extremely low self-esteem; absolutely no confidence in regards to any part of myself; I suffered from severe depression, and never feeling like I was good enough for anything. Growing up I thought, if I could just be skinny I would be happy. As I got older the weight dropped off, mostly by some very unhealthy methods, but the way I felt never seemed to change. Up until a few months ago I was constantly battling erratic mood swings, depression, anxiety, and searching for my place in this world.

The last few years I had toyed with working out and eating better. I would be motivated for two maybe three weeks at a time then I would stop. A few months later I would start again only to repeat the same cycle. For years this went on. I would come up with every excuse as to why I quit. I’m tired, I don’t have time, my back hurts, etc.  Finally in March, I am not sure what changed but something did. My best friend had asked if I would join her in a 10 week fitness journey and like every other time I said yes, but this time was different. I could feel it; and for the first time I was going to prove it.

BS Story

I was so over talking about how I wanted to change; be different and feel different but never doing what I know I needed to do to make it happen. I was exhausted from constantly feeling down and not good enough. I was exhausted from having to pick myself up every morning and force myself to smile. I was exhausted at having more bad days than good ones. So like every other time I began this I took my “before” pics and became sick at my stomach when I looked at them, but I knew it would be the last time I saw myself like that.

The funny thing is is that this time it didn’t feel like work. It came natural. It wasn’t a struggle to go and workout every evening. It wasn’t torture to stop drinking 6-8 Dr. Peppers a day or to stop eating fast food. After about a month of being constant with my eating and wor

king out I started to see results. Small at first but never-the-less I could see them; I could feel them. Slowly my clothes started to fit better, my anxiety started to decrease, and my depression started to subside. Waking up every morning the smile became less forceful. Now, almost 5 months later, the smile is automatic. I have more confidence than I ever have, and my self-esteem is through the roof. I have more energy, I want to try new things, I love being around people. I am happy.

Inspire

That last sentence means the most to me. I. Am. Happy.  Being able to say that and truly mean it, means more to me than anyone can possibly understand. I let fear stand in my way for so long, but not anymore. Fitness truly saved me. It has become my go to for everything. Whether I am running or lifting weights I feel unstoppable. Being covered in sweat, muscles sore and exhausted, to me is the best feeling in the world, its my addiction.

addiction

Love

What is love? If you go by what the dictionary says, Love is an intense feeling of deep affection. Intense is definitely the correct word to use there. But love is so much more than that. It can hit you any time, usually when you are least expecting it. One day you are talking to someone, then the next day you realize, I more than just “like” this person. When you fall in love, it can be one of the best feelings in the world. It is the most heart wrenching, yet amazingly wonderful feeling. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t concentrate, because that person consumes your every thought. You want that person to be with you at all times and experience every little detail with you. You just want to talk to them, be near them; it’s like they are a drug and you just can’t get enough. You constantly smile and become that annoyingly happy person that sees the world in a completely different way. Nothing can bring you down when you are in love.

Over time love changes; it can grow and it can diminish. And unfortunately you never know when either are going to occur. You hear about people all the time that just one day they woke up and weren’t “in love” with their partner anymore. Now granted I do believe that there are factors that contribute to that that happen over time whether you realize it or not. And if you look back over the relationship you can start to see when your feelings started changing. Sometimes you look at that and think, “damn I should have seen the signs then, I could have fixed it”. But is it wrong when the love runs out? Should you feel bad? And can you get it back?

My answer to these questions are no, it is not wrong. And yes you can get it back, but only if you want it back, and only you can decide that. People change. Some for better, some for worse. When they change, their perspectives on life change. This in tune changes the way they feel about everything. With some, they realize they lost that feeling and they chunk a deuce with no explanation. Then you are sitting there wondering, WTF did I do?  Then others may realize that they miss that feeling and want it back. It’s like their high has worn off and they need that fix again. But will it ever be the same? Of course not. But it CAN be so much better. But like anything else in this world, you have to want it. Sometimes you need time apart to discover how much you truly love someone and I believe that is okay. I mean come on, if you have been with someone for a long time, you are going to get tired of each other eventually. That is a given. But what happens when the other person has no idea you feel this way? What happens when you tell that person and they feel the complete opposite as you? What happens when you want time apart but they don’t?  What if during that time they realize they don’t want YOU back?  Do you risk it?

Not only is love intense, it is tricky. Because it isn’t just your heart that you are dealing with. The majority of people who this happens to, the last thing they want to do is hurt the other person. So some will keep these feelings to themselves and pretend nothing is wrong. But is that fair to your partner?  Are you doing them any favors by taking this route? Well no actually, because you are not giving them your whole heart which they deserve. But as hard as it is, if they truly loved you, as much as it hurts them, they would want you to do what you needed to do to be happy.

People say that love conquers all, and I truly believe that. If it is meant to be, it will happen. I would never take back falling in love with someone just to avoid being hurt.

LOL, ah Love. It’s the best worst feeling in the world.

it IS all sunshine and rainbows

If you know me, you know that I have a tendency to say a bunch of stuff, then never really see it through. While my intentions are always good, I have always been the type of person that would get discouraged and just quit. I guess that all stemmed from growing up with very little support and encouragement; always feeling like what I did did not matter. People would tell me I couldn’t do something, and I would believe it. Now whether they were trying to reverse psychology me or that is how they truly felt, that verdict is still out, but I am going with the latter. But that person is no longer a part of my life, so yay!

I see posts all the time, hear other people talk all the time and I even talk about other awesome people. I was checking FB this morning, and I am friends with my sons boxing trainer and he is constantly posting all these positive, motivational words, and they just make me smile every time I read them. Then my best friend (who just happens to be one of these motivating, inspiring, just awesome to be around people I am referring to), posted a video and a sweet entry about a gentleman that she finds inspiring that she knows. Dammit I want to be one of those awesome people that others talk about! So I just made the decision that that is what I am going to be.

I am tired of fear stopping me from doing so many things that I want to do. I am tired of fear stopping me from being the person I know I am meant to be. Deep down I know who I am meant to be and I have every tool that I need to become that person, and it is about damn time I become her, because she is awesome. I am going to fail at things, I am not always going to be the best at things, and there will be days that I will want to curl in a ball and hide from the world. There will be days that I am going to want to give up and I will probably say to myself that it is not worth it. But I will know deep down that it is worth it, and I will push through.

I promised myself that my 30’s would be different than my 20’s. I have to keep that promise to myself. I deserve that. I have gone through a lot of shitty things growing up, and have suffered a lot of pain and feelings of abandonment. But it is like that saying says “you can’t move on to the next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one”.  That book is done. It is time to start a new one. I owe it to myself to be happy, I owe it to my kids to be happy. I never want my kids to doubt their abilities and potential. But it doesn’t matter how many encouraging words I give them, they learn by example, so I need to be the best example I can be.

So how do I know all that I am saying is different this time? I went into a full blown panic attack as soon as I told my husband that I had decided I was changing my entire outlook on things. It was instant. But it was a weird one. I was extremely happy and just wanted to go give everyone in the office a hug, but yet was panicking and wanted to cry all at the same time. So taking my wise husbands advice, I embraced it. Now normally I would probably think that I just went through a euphoric episode and the next thing would be a manic depressive state. But oh no. I am not thinking that way. As my husband said, my mind knew I meant it and so it literally changed to match what I was saying. I like that, and that is what I am going with.

I am going to surround myself with positive people who want to lift other people up, not put them down. I am going to be that person that happiness and positivity just radiate out of and when people are around me they just can’t help but be happy too. I see the beauty in a lot of things. Travis says that is my passion, to make this world a more beautiful place. And he is right. But sometimes I get so caught up in my own head that it’s hard to see that beauty sometimes.

But it isn’t just about changing my attitude towards things. I have this drive inside me, and it comes with certain things that I do, but I want that drive to come out with everything that I do. When I say I am going to do something, I am going to do it. When I set a goal, I am going to reach it. I am going to keep pushing my limits because I know I have the strength and the drive and will find that determination to reach every goal and surpass every limit.

Some changes are usually scary but this time, there is nothing scary about it. It is pure excitement because I know this is what is meant to happen.

So with that, I leave you all for now! Have a wonderfully awesome day, and don’t forget to SMILE!!!

Later loves!

I miss being a stay-at-home-mom….

I always wanted to be a mother. Granted, I wasn’t expecting it to happen as early in my life as it did, but I knew from the beginning I was going to be a great mom. My kids are my number 1 priority. They always have been. There isn’t anything I would not do for my kids. I mean, those are little pieces of me running around, how could I not put their needs first. I had the privelage of being a SAHM for a few years. As stressed out as I was at time; as much as I said I would rather have adult interactions all day instead of listening to freaking Elmo or that little butthead Caillou all day, I was extremely grateful to be able to stay home with my boys; and I knew this.

Since I have been a working mom, I have come to miss being a SAHM. Especially when things come up like doctor appointments, dentist appointments, kids getting sick, me getting sick, etc. Now I struggle with having to schedule those things around work, then having the unexpected happen and dealing with having to miss work. Now do not get my wrong, my kids needs come first and they always will, but that still does not mean that the guilt is not present when I have to miss work. But here is my dilemma…I should not feel guilty for taking care of my kids. I work my ass off at work; and I do a really good. Yes, I get it, I am paid to work, and again I do work, I earn every penny I make.

Now I know there are people that take advantage of situations, but I am not one of those people. And yes, I am fortunate enough to work for people who are pretty understanding about this sort of thing. But that doesn’t mean that there still aren’t words said or tones used that make me feel like I am doing something wrong. I know other parents know what I am talking about. You get awoken in the middle of the night (in my case this usually happens on Sundays) to a cough or a cry. You go in to your kids room half asleep bumping into door jams and tripping over transformers and shit, to come to their bedside to see what is the matter. That is when you lean down and press your lips against their forehead and feel the heat radiating off of them. Then suddenly you are wide awake because you start thinking, “is it the flu?” “Shit, 101.2 fever, well no school for them tomorrow and crap that means I have to call in.” “I have to keep you (your sick child) away from everyone else so no one else gets whatever this is” “Shit, what if I get this?  I will have to drag my sick, achy, snotty nose ass to work still”. Then you have to make the dreaded phone call that you will not be in to work today because your child is sick.

Now a lot of people have help, or are able to work from home. I am not one of those people. Plus, if my kid is sick and running a fever, I am not going to ask someone else to watch them. I know how it feels when you are a kid and you are sick, you want to be home in your bed, and most kids…want their moms. I get anxiety when I have to call in for work. I am constantly worrying if it is real busy, how many emails am I going to come back to, are they mad I wasn’t able to come in. These thoughts just run through my head over, and over, and over again all day long. The anxiety builds up, then the next thing I know I am having a panic attack.

The same thing happens when there are appointments that you need to go to. Let’s use my family as an example. I have two kids, so that means there are two well-visit appointments a year I have to go to. Then if they get sick to where you know that over the counter meds are going to work and they need something stronger. Then you have the dentist, so that is two appointments twice a year you have to do. Now there is you…being a woman we have are well-woman exams every year we have to do, then we also have to go to the dentist, and of course my family is on an insurance plan that none of the doctors in our area see patients on Saturday. Then if you have to have work done at the dentist, or have to go back for more testing or whatever at the doctors office, there are more appointments. And lord help you if you have other issues where you have to see multiple doctors. Like me, I have a psychiatrist I have to see every 6-9 months to get my medicine, my lady doctor, primary care doctor who I have to see atleast once a year to have my thyroid levels checked and the dentist. And I get tired of having to schedule all this crap on a vacation day. It is exhausting!! A vacation day, I want to use doing something or relaxing.

It is bad enough I have to worry about scheduling all this crap, I just really hate that I have to worry about my job in the midst of it all. These are definitely the times when I miss being a stay at home mom the most. Not having to worry about when I could schedule the appointment, or what the hell we were going to do if the kids got sick.

But of course, most of all, I miss my kids. I know that if I were to go back to being a SAHM (which is a goal for me by the way), that I wouldn’t be with my kids all day since they are now in school. But that is one of the reasons I want to do it now. I could still take them to school in the morning, then be able to do all my errands, house work, and school work while they were at school. I would be able to either pick them up from school everyday or get them off the bus, and then do homework and start getting dinner ready without feeling like I am rushed. Without feeling like I have just a little bit of time to do all 500 things on my to-do list. I would be able to sign them up for extra curricular activities because I wouldn’t have to worry how they were going to get there. I would be home, I would be a constant. They would know I was always there and when they got home, because I had all day to do everything else that needed to be done, my attention would be 100% devoted to them. Oh and I would be able to go have lunch with them all the time, and be able to go to all their school functions.

I just truly miss being at home with my kids. And the stress of working and juggling family is actually getting harder, not easier like you would think it would. My kids aren’t going to be little forever. The time has already flown by up to this point, and it is only going to continue to feel like it’s going faster.

Pretty soon though, they will be teenagers and I won’t have to stay home with them when they are sick. Then once they start driving, I wont have to go with them to every appointment. But I still have at least 6 years before any of that starts happening. So for now, I will continue to juggle. I just have to find a way to not get this feeling whenever these things do come up.

Nothing specific

So I have nothing specific to write about I just felt like writing. Our house has been the home of the flu for the past two weeks. It started with my youngest son, then me, and now it appears the hubs is getting sick. Seeing as how my bedroom has been the designated sickness room, I have moved my finally feeling good butt out to the living room. I haven’t had the flu in….I can’t remember how long. I don’t remember ever being as sick as I was a few days ago. It lasted from Thursday till Wednesday. Ugh. It was so awful.

So I am taking two classes this semester; Government and Art Appreciation! I absolutely love my art appreciation class! I love art so I figured it would be a good class to take. Finally learning more about art and the different types, the terms, etc. It is all so interesting to me. My semester project I get to be a curator of my own exhibit! Now granted it’s a virtual museum just for the class, but nevertheless I’m still curating an exhibit! Government is boring LOL. It’s my second government class so this one is Texas government. I’m trying to make it interesting,  because well I am an adult and I do need to know a little about what goes on where I live!

I am so excited that after this semester I only have two classes left till I finish my Associates degree. And it’s a real associates degree, not that crap I got from University of Phoenix that wouldn’t even transfer except as electives. Granted I know I can’t do anything with an associates degree, but when you try to transfer into a 4 year university and the majority of the credits you busted your ass to get only transfer as electives and some not even at all…..it is highly frustrating and discouraging. I have had to redo all of my core classes and then some. It has taken me a while to do it too. One because I can only take 2 classes at a time, and two because I’ve taken semesters off here and there. Better late than never right!! So in December I will be graduating with a degree that WILL transfer to a 4 year university and in the spring I will be returning to University Of Houston where I will be on my way to graduate with a Bachelors of Arts in Psychology! Then hopefully by the time I finish that I will be able to quit my job and be a stay at home mom/full time student working on my Masters! That gives the hubs like 3-4 years to make it happen! I am confident he will do so.  

I was not in a good place when I first went to college right after high school. And I have been taking classes since 2008. Yes!! You read that right, 2008 is when I started my college journey. Of course my first two years were at Phoenix. Then I started UH in January 2011. And for the love of crap here we are in 2015 LOL. I was supposed to be done before my sister-in-law graduated college, but well she beat me. But I am determined to graduate with my bachelor’s before my little brother does. He will start college in the fall.

I am so ready to be able to focus just on school.  And my family of course. But to be able to go to class during the day while my kids are at school….it makes me so excited to think about being able to do that! Plus I would be able to finish faster. Starting my career at 40 makes me nervous. I mean my kids will be starting college when I am just finishing LOL. But at least they will know their mom did it and hopefully they will be proud, but also see how much harder it was to do when you have to juggle a family, a job and school. Hopefully that will motivate them to finish college before they start that other stuff.

I have goals and I am so determined, finally, to meet each one of my goals. I have this fire in me now that I have never really had before. And quite frankly,  I love it! I love being 30!

Anyways just needed to share all that!

Later loves!

…and that’s who I am

For the past few years I have spent countless amounts of time wandering around inside my own head trying to find the answer to the infamous question “Who am I?”. I have gone to therapy, read ridiculous amounts of self-help books and articles, asked friends, and analyzed every aspect of my life searching for the answer to this question. I never came up with any answers; at least none that I believed to be true.

When I turned 30 it was like something clicked in my brain and it all made sense to me. Since then, I have stopped searching for the answers, I have stopped analyzing every little thing, and I have accepted myself as is. You know what? It feels good! In doing this I have learned more about myself than I have in the past few years during my “search”.

One thing I have learned is that I am an all or nothing type of person. And by that I mean…I give stuff my all until I get bored, then it gets nothing LOL. If I think I may be good at something and it peeks my interest, I will try it. But even If I am good at it, once I get bored, I’m done with it. Now If it is something I want to try but do not think I will be as good as I think I should be, I probably won’t try it.

I also seem to like to do everything all at one time. For example, for months, I haven’t wanted to do anything. I knew I needed to write a post on the blog but had nothing to write about. I haven’t wanted to refinish any of the pieces of furniture I acquired during my distressing furniture venture. I was not planning on going back to school this semester. I had no desire to paint my house, didn’t want to read any new books, and I had absolutely no desire to workout. But in the last week I have signed up for classes for the spring semester, I started distressing furniture again, got my garage all clean and organized so I could start working out, bought a new book series to read, decided I it was time to paint my kitchen and dining room which both currently have splotches of different colored paints all over the walls, and started to plan a vow renewal for me and the hubs. Two weeks ago, I wasn’t doing anything!

It is crazy to me because it is like once my brain decides it’s time to do something, it doesn’t matter how many other things I have going on, I have to start this new thing that is in my head.

Another thing I have learned is that I have so many interests! There are so many things I want to try, and a crap ton of things I feel I could be really good at. I get extremely excited about trying certain things. I will think about something I want to try and just jump right in to it. Then my mind goes off on tangents about all the awesome possibilities that could happen if I am really good at said thing, and I get even more excited and completely overload myself. I give it all I have for a few days, few weeks, etc. and then it is like my brain just says “okay, I am done with this now.” Doesn’t matter what stage of the project I am in, once I have that thought, it’s over with. So I stop. Time passes, and sometimes I think, “I really enjoyed that, I should start doing it again”, then other times I think, “I tried it, I was good at it, but ehh.”

With each thing I have done or thought about doing, I have always been able to picture myself doing it and doing it very well. Yes I am given a hard time by friends and family about things I said I was going to start doing, blah blah blah. But it’s all about finding things that you love. And what better way to find things you love than to try lots of different things, right?

Distressing furniture makes my heart happy. I absolutely love doing it. Envisioning something in my mind and then making that vision a reality, that’s a pretty awesome feeling. I am pretty damn good at it too! It’s incredibly relaxing to me. I go in my garage, turn my music on, and get lost in that piece for hours.

I also love writing. Granted, I am not the best writer by a long shot. I have run-on sentences, use comma’s way too much, and pretty sure my thoughts bounce around. But I absolutely love doing it. It allows me to be my true self. It too, is relaxing!

I am okay with the fact that I talk about doing a lot of different things, and that I attempt to do different things. The projects I start, they may not get as far as the tangent in my head went, but just because I stop something, doesn’t mean I am done with it forever! I do have ADD, so it’s not that I don’t have the desire to do things, it’s the complete opposite of that actually. I have too much desire for too many things LOL!!